Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Mama Love

My weekend was good - Carmela and I did some hardcore snuggling :) We needed it though - we don't always get to spend a lot of time together - just the two of us - and I know how much daughter's (even furry ones) need their Mama's lovin'.

Stacy and Kiana came over from Saturday until Sunday - we did arts and crafts, highlighted Stacy's hair and rearranged my living room. Good times.
Trav and I really need to either have kids of our own or get some more kid oriented stuff at our house because Kiana was awfully bored when we weren't doing something. Poor little thing.

But, a lot got accomplished - which always feels good.

Staying home from work on Monday was great - I love watching TLC daytime TV. A Baby Story and A Wedding Story - I spent the morning in tears. But I loved it.

It's always nice to come back to work after missing even just a day - because everyone begs me never to take a day off again - they just can't handle it around here without me! It makes a girl feel good. I guess you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. I just wish that they appreciated me like that everyday. Turds.

Trav should be getting his new computer soon! He is so excited about it! He's going to order it right after a poker tournament this Saturday - he actually has two - one Friday and one Saturday. He could win an extra $6-800 to put towards his new puter! So he's going to play and then order.

I finally talked to my Mom last night.

I called my Brother, Jess, and he said that he had a number where I could reach my Mom - so I called it and talked to her for almost an hour. I pretty much just yelled at her. We were both bawling. I just couldn't help it - it all needed to come out. I still feel SO bad about having to yell at her like that - but she needed to hear it. All this time I have been so forgiving and telling her that it's ok. But, I just couldn't take it anymore. I hadn't heard from her in almost 6 weeks. I didn't even know where she was at Christmas. It just kills me inside every time I think about her. I can't even think about her without choking back tears.
I told her that I can't do this anymore - that she needs to come back here so I don't have to worry about her. I told her that I keep thinking I'm going to get a phone call saying that she's dead. I told her that I need to know that she's ok and that she's making it.
She just kept bawling and saying how sorry she is and that she misses me too and how proud she is of me.
I told her that I am jealous of all my friends because at least they get to see their Moms. I haven't seen her in a year and 1/2. My friends get to hug their Moms, hang out with their Moms, go shopping with them and just have somewhere to go and just be with them.
It's so hard to even think about how long it's been. I can't even talk about her without getting that deep ache in my heart.
Stacy and I were driving to Duluth - I think it was for Erin's B-Day and New Year's. We wanted to listen to a mix CD that I made and the song "Butterfly Kisses" was on there. Which was a song that my Mom always said was "our song"- even though it's about a Father and Daughter.
It just hit me so much harder listening to it after my Mom missed my wedding.
Stacy and I were both bawling. It was so hard for me to stop - but I knew if I didn't that I could just cry forever. Christmas, Mother's day and that song - I just can't stop crying.

I told my Mom all this and I told her that I am just so sick of having to worry about her. It hurts and its stressful. She just kept apologizing.

I feel horrible for having to say that stuff to her and her being the one on the other end saying how sorry she is.

I'm sorry too. I wish I could take care of her. I have thought about moving down there so many times, but I just can't. I wish I had a better job and a lot of money to help her out - get her an apartment and a car.

Right now I just wish I could hug her. I wish I could smell her "Mom" smell. I wish I could just laugh with her.

I pray so hard for her every night. I know that everything happens for a reason. It's just really hard right now.

It makes me really appreciate everyone that I have in my life. My husband and Carmela bring me so much happiness - I love them so much - they are everything to me.
My friends and extended family are the greatest. I don't know what I would do without them.

But, there is just something missing.....

No matter how old you are or how strong you are...everyone needs a Mama.
Posted by Katrina :: 7:18 PM :: 3 Chortles

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