Thursday, December 08, 2005

Question # 12

Question #12 What can I do about the people I have disappointed and been disappointed by? If I could heal a damaged relationship, would I? Is there anyone whose lost friendship and regard I mourn? Is it time to move on?

Well I really hope I haven't disappointed anyone that I know (If I have - let me know).
I would try to rectify any mistakes I have made - if possible.

Has anyone ever disappointed me? Oh yes.
Two people stand out more than anything. My Papa and "my cousin" Julie (she is my former step-father's niece).

My Papa because still to this day we have no relationship. Seriously. It's really sad that we don't know each other like a Father and Daughter should know eachother. After he and my Mom broke up, I saw him once in a while, then it turned into about twice a year. We lived in the same town the whole time. A 15 minute drive from eachother. I have never had a positive Father figure in my life. Just my Grandpa (my Papa's Dad). That's why I hold so much regard for my Grandparents because they made up for his absence in my life. They kept very close with me and now I am closer to everyone in his family (my Grandparents, my Aunt and her family) - than I am to him. Weird I know - but that's how it is.
He is very close with Chelsea and Kyle - which is good. It shows that he learned from his mistakes. He's a great Dad to them - sees them all the time, drives them to and attends all their sports events and teaches them stuff about nature. He used to take me on walks by the Lake, agate hunting and climbing the "cliffs" (Hey, they looked like cliffs to me back then). I prefer to just remember the stuff like that - the stuff he taught me about nature.
His absence and my Mom's "situation" - are probably the reasons why I feel so strongly about wanting to have my own family. I just can't help it. It's a void in my life that needs to be filled.

If I could heal the damaged relationship - would I? Ummm, I would if I could, but I don't think it's possible. I have already moved on.



"My cousin" Julie. Moved into our house when I was around 15. She was almost two years older than me so we just started hanging out and became really close. We were like sisters - we shared a room, shared clothes, fought, laughed, cried and got into trouble together. Julie got pregnant and married at 18. We stayed extremely close and I babysat for her all the time. During our relationship - I was the giver and she was the taker. I did the free babysitting and was always there when she needed me. She would give me rides to places and sometimes let me use her car (even when I didn't have my license yet). We still stayed close throughout. She even said that she wanted me to be her daughter's Godmother.
The day that her daughter was baptized. She said that she would pick me up that morning at 9:00AM. I spent the whole day before that picking out something to wear, went to be early, got up SUPER early and got ready way on time(which I am never on time - so you know that this was important to me). I waited and waited, called, waited, called, waited. Nothing. I knew the time that the baptism was supposed to start and end. So by the time I knew it was over. I was totally crushed. I bawled my eyes out all day long. Her excuse was that they woke up late and then didn't have time to come and get me. When I asked her why she didn't call and tell me that I needed to get another ride - she said she did call but no one answered. Bullshit. She never called. She didn't forget about me. She just figured she would try to blame her irresponsibility on our "faulty" caller ID.
I forgave - but obviously never forgot. We still stayed close. I was always there when she needed a babysitter still. Countless times I was hurt by her and her actions. Used too many times. You have to understand that she wasn't just like a friend - she was like my sister. Sisters crap on eachother and then forgive right after.
I have forgiven her more than I think anyone else in my life. I would shut her out of my life and then she would call and apologize her way back in time and time again. A never ending cycle. It's partly my fault too - because when she wasn't a part of my life - there were sometimes when I would think about her, sometimes miss her, come across a card she had given me and miss the fun we had. She always understood me, she knew me sometimes better than I knew myself and I knew her the same way. We had a ton of fun together despite the lying, stealing, hurt and disappointment.
After a while, I would miss her less and less each time I would cut off ties with her. I think the last straw was when she asked me to be her Maid of Honor at her second wedding(she asked me to be her Maid of Honor at her first wedding but they ended up eloping). Then just about two months before the wedding - she had her fiance call me and say that they decided to just have one person each stand up for them and they wanted that person to be family. Family, huh? Well that's what I thought we were. When she called and asked me why I didn't send back the RSVP - I told her it was because I wasn't going. I told her that I don't care about her and her bullshit anymore. She wasn't convinced - I'm sure she thought that I would just keep forgiving her. I didn't attend her wedding.
She called months later and cried to me that she really does care about me. It touched me a little bit, I cried one tear. Maybe it was for goodbye.
She emailed me after that phone call and told me that she still meant what she said. I know that she felt bad. She knew she fucked up.
She called me two other times after that - because she was wondering how my Mom was doing. She loved my Mom so much. She never really had a positive Mother figure - and my Mom was that for her.
The last time I talked to her - I trusted her with once more with a piece of information about my mom. She blew it for the last time.
I screamed at her SO bad - called her a few choice names and told her never to even think about me again.
She hasn't tried to contact me since.
I don't miss her anymore and I think that I'm pretty close to not even thinking about any part of her anymore.
I really haven't thought of her in a long time - not in the "missing you" sort of way. Yet I still have a picture of her daughter on my fridge and her number still programmed in my cell phone.
I don't know what it will take, but I know that I don't have any trust or love for her anymore.
I hope she learns and treats the other people in her life better than she treated me.

Do I mourn the loss of her friendship? No. I made the choice to cut off the negativity she provided in my life and I don't regret that. I can NEVER trust her again. And without trust - you have nothing.

I'm sure I will completely move on sooner or later. Eventually I will erase her name from my phone and replace her daughter's picture on my fridge with someone else's. It's still difficult though - I mean imagine having to cut off ties with your sister - or best friend. It's not a clean break and it's not easy to do - even when you don't care about the person any more and you know it's for the best.

Posted by Katrina :: 12:08 PM :: 1 Chortles

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