Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Question # 11

Question #11. Am I living my life for an audience? Have internalized a watchful someone? My mom, my best friend, or an ex-boyfriend? Is this audience worthy of judging me? How can I banish them forever and live for myself?

This one is weird for me. I don't believe I am living my life for someone else - because I really don't care what most people think of me - EXCEPT a few people I respect and admire, like my Grandparents. They have done so much for me that they should not have had to do. They have always been there for me no matter what. And I know deep down that they will love me no matter what I do or who I am - but I can't help but to keep them in the back of my mind when I make big choices in my life. Like career choices and what to go to school for. I feel like I can't disappoint them otherwise I would be a failure - and that's purely how I feel - not them. I just feel like I owe them so much and that if I failed or didn't make the right choice, I would let them down.
I also feel the responsibility to succeed for my brother's and sister and my cousins. Because I'm the oldest and I feel like I need to be there for them if for some reason our parent's can't be. So that drives me to make the right career choices so that I can have a stable and substantial income if anyone ever needed anything.
It's sometimes a struggle - only because I still don't quite know what I want to do career wise. Really. It's so frustrating because I have SO many ideas and things that I am interested in. But nothing that I excel at. That's why I chose to major in Business Management. Because I know that I want to own my own business some day and I figured that I had to start soon - I'm not getting any younger for crying out loud.

So in that aspect I do care - I make some choices based on whether or not my grandparents will be proud and career choices that will make me a substantial amount of money so I can provide for everyone.

Otherwise - the answer is no - I make my own choices based on what I like or what I feel. I form my own opinions and ideas and I do what I want.
I have tattoos and my tongue pierced - because I wanted to get them and I like them - AND I want more tattoos. See these things my grandparents don't agree with - but just because they think it's gross that I have my tongue pierced - I still have it - and I don't feel guilty for having it.
Even getting married in Las Vegas - I know my Grandma wanted us to get married here in Minnesota - but we wanted it to be out there. And everyone had a blast out there - even my Grandma.

So I hope this makes sense.
For the most part - I do what I want to do for myself. I feel like I live for myself - but I also feel I have responsibilities that I need to consider when making certain choices in my life. I just want to do the right thing. I grew up pretty poor and I don't want my kids to grow up like that nor do I want my brother's and sister's to feel like I did.
Posted by Katrina :: 12:31 PM :: 0 Chortles

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